Suddenly Single

Suddenly single: life with my daughter, my doodle and MS.  

Looking at those words is still painful.  Of course my daughter, Áine, is the best thing that ever happened to me and that word will never be painful. Her name appears in my gratitude journal every day.  I am so fortunate to have such an amazing kid who is kind, patient, compassionate, loving, gentle, witty, and joyful, oh so joyful, despite her hard life.  

Now to my doodle, Lilly. I love her but I never wanted a dog.  I always said I would never have a dog. I told my ex that when we first met and yet, here I am with a dog.  I am responsible for keeping our dog alive, happy, and groomed.  Doodles require a lot of grooming.  She gets her hair done more than I do.  Walking Lilly, feeding Lilly, playing with Lilly, brushing Lilly, giving her medication, brushing her teeth, picking up her poop.  Oh, Lilly, I must love you!  

MS, oh how I don't love you.  I hate what you have taken from me. What you have taken from Áine.  My energy and my stamina  My ability to be the mom I want to be.  I hate the fatigue that takes my patience and energy that Áine and Lilly deserve.  I recently apologized to Áine for being being cranky toward her, and all she said was, "it's okay, Mommy.  I know."  You taken lots of relationships from me because I don't have the energy to be the person I once was.  The energy I do have goes into being Áine's mommy, taking care of Lilly, and taking care of me.  

And finally, those words, suddenly single.  I did not plan on being a single mom.  When I got married, I thought it would last forever.  I thought we would last forever even with all of the HUGE bumps in the road.  I thought we could overcome them all even when there were plenty of times when I didn't even want to.  I just thought enough is enough, and we will make it after this one more hard time.  After this one more set back, after this one more dose of pain.  But, we didn't.  We didn't make it.  The pain was the VICTOR, and I was suddenly single with my daughter, my doodle, and MS.  

Of course I could have curled up into a ball and said enough.  I could have said it's time I sell the house.  I could have taken to my bed and cried and cried.  I could have said I can't do this.  Due to who I am, what I have been through before in life, and who I come from,  I didn't.  Of course, there were times when I cried and still do, of course I doubted myself and thought about selling the house.  None of these won.  None of them took over.  I am the VICTOR.  I am WINNING.

I got a new job that I love!  I bought a new car that I like.  I kept the house which means I kept Áine in her home, school, community where she is happy and thriving.  From the start, I knew the only choice I had was to do my best for Áine.  All of my decisions are about what is best for her.

Most mornings, I wake up early to take care of myself.  I meditate or tap (emotional freedom technique), I write in my gratitude journal, I read self-help books, I say my affirmations.  I'm still not very good at visualizing but I am not giving up.  

I am really proud of myself for all that I have done in the past 11 months.  I know we are going to be more than okay.  I know it is only going to keep getting better because I am a person who succeeds.