One Foot in Front of the Other

Becoming suddenly single with an 8-year old, a dog, and MS was not something I ever planned but then nothing in my life has seemed to go to plan.  Are there people out there whose lives go to plan? I think there are those people, out there, somewhere, but it hasn't been my experience.

It is hard. It is lonely, isolating, and stressful.  It is so f-in hard.  I am responsible for everything about all aspects of my life and my daughter's and our doodle's life. I need to take care of us all physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally and when I became suddenly single, there was a lot of mental and emotional trauma for us all.  

I had recently retired from my teaching career due to the limitations MS put on me.  I had no job.  My car lease was up, and I couldn't afford to buy it.  I have to pay the mortgage and all of the bills.  I had nothing. 

And yet, here I am.  Within a month of separating, I bought a new car, found someone to rent a room in our house and got a job.  Now, did I want to have a stranger living with us?  I hadn't had a roommate since I lived with one of my college roommates after we graduated.  And this was my house and my kid, but we didn't have any other options. Get a tenant or sell the house.  Selling the house would have meant leaving the town we now call home, leaving her school, her friends, her Girl Scout troop, gymnastics and soccer.  It would have meant starting over completely for her without her dad.  I did not want that for her.  It didn't seem fair that because her parents' marriage failed her whole life had to be uprooted.  She had been through enough in her short life, and I wanted to do everything in my power to protect her from feeling any more unnecessary pain.  

She and I had conversations and tears and tears and tears and hugs.  Lots and lots of hugs. 

And we found our way through the pain and sadness.  We have kept our house and have two strangers who are not strangers anymore living with us.  They are hardworking, kind, respectful, and clean.  They appreciate the home we have given them, and we appreciate that they see this place as their home.  

Is this where I want to be at almost 50?  No, but it is a stepping stone.  I am building a future for my future self so she will be independent so her daughter will be happy and safe.  I am living in the present while building habits to make my future easier, more bountiful and more beautiful.    There is not much else I can do other than curl up in a ball.  That has never been an option. I put one foot in front of the other.  There is no other choice.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

100% Single Parent

Image
  100% Single Parent Hello, my name is Katie, and I am a single mother.  I have full custody of my daughter and I have MS.   Single parents and only single parents completely understand this.  Single parents with MS get it even more.  I did not understand until I suddenly became one myself with a text that said, “I think we should get divorced.”  God, I haven’t told anyone that because I was so embarrassed.  At the time, he wasn’t living with us and hadn’t been for 3 months.  We weren’t separated, either.   It is complicated.  He hadn’t been around for 3 months really, and I was doing everything on my own.  Towards the end of that 3 months, he was around a little until he wasn’t.  After those 3 months, he was around a little and then he was completely gone.  I was the parent 100% of the time.  Everything was on me.  All of the love, all of the care, all of the safety.  All of the bills and appointm...
Read more

The Best Day of My Life

Image
Today is a day where MS wants to remind me that it is still here, but it is still the best day of my life. The weather messed with me. 50s in the morning and 80 in the afternoon means no bueno for me. Yesterday, I was your average everyday mom.  Wake up before the house, write in my gratitude journal, journal, practice some EFT (emotional freedom technique, tapping), read.  As I prepared my daughter’s breakfast and fed my dog, I cleaned the kitchen and put a load of laundry on.   Walked with Áine and Lilly to the bus stop, went home, and went to the gym where I ran 2 miles on the treadmill as I spoke with a gym friend.  I was excited to see her as we hadn’t seen each other in a while, and she is really the only person I talk to there.  They were too busy to do my strength training session so I went home to work for a couple of hours before I went back to the gym for strength training. It was empty at this time, hooray!  All was good until the trainer,...
Read more

Imposter

Image
How long does it take to recognize that you are enough?  Not even just enough, more than enough!  For so long, I tried to hide myself.  I was always afraid people were going to find out I was a fraud, an imposter.  No matter what I accomplished, what others said about me, I didn’t believe it for myself.   I got a 4.0 in grad school.  I said it was just because it was an easy university.  Anyone could get a 4.0 there.   I was a teaching intern for 2 years.  I never got a bad evaluation from my mentor teachers, program director, or the principal of the school.  It was just because I was nice to everyone, students, staff, parents, that’s why I got good reviews. My next position was in a different town where I was a co teacher for 4 years.  My co teacher and I planned together, taught together, graded together, communicated together, she just couldn’t see that I wasn’t a good teacher.  I was so skilled at hiding how bad I...
Read more